Sunday, 7 December 2014

Insanity Meets Profanity - Twelve Days of Christmas #ASMSG

A recent Authors Electric blog post about the use of swear words in fiction reminded me that The Baptist deserves a bit of Christmas exposure for its alleged profane content. (If you are offended by profanity then stop the #$%!!! right there and here are some cute kittens instead.)
The Baptist - a psychological thriller
available in e-book and paperback

A couple of winters ago I emailed a pdf of The Baptist to a friend's work. My email was intercepted and she received an automatic report from her employer's Mail Sweeper program.

This e-mail has been stopped in Profane Messages. 

The MIMEsweeper Analysis results were attached. The report was studied by all and sundry at tea-break and the content provoked a bit of discussion. Irish tea-breaks are an occasion for great craic. The consensus was The Baptist contained a lot of action but not enough components to perform it. More parts of speech were needed. They're a very droll bunch.

The report results are below and I have to say that, while I didn't intend to write a profane novel, I can still now remember exactly each and every page where the offending words occur.

The phrase 'arse' was found at location 70126
and so on. I'll just share the count.
arse x 1
balls x 2
bang x 3
bastard x 12 (a dozen, one of them capitalized therefore a pronoun?)
bitch x 6 (half dozen, imperial measure)
bloody x 8 (quaint that bloody should be a profanity these days, actually mostly describing murder weapons)
blow job x 1 (shouldn't I have hyphenated the blow-job? Is that what I've been doing wrong)
bollocks x 1 (shouldn't there be at least two of those fellas? No wait, it's a plural)
crap x 2 (in UK and Ireland it's an expletive, in the ROW it's a game, apparently you can shoot it and everything)
cunt x 3 (I do apologise, it's a very vulgar word but, in my defence, it was, or rather they were, components of dialogue. Vulgar dialogue. Not uncommon in Ireland. Lady Chatterley's Lover is full of them.)
fag x 5 (means cigarette in UK and Ireland and that was the intended meaning)
fuck x 10 (no argument there and good to see it's gone decimal)
fucker x 4 (nice alliteration and I'm getting an idea for a Christmas song now)
fucking x 21 (more than a score - in fairness, there is a lot of that sort of thing in The Baptist, it's not all murdering)
penis x 1 (poor little lad, all on his own, but just goes to show it takes only one)
prick x 3 (oh, right ... well, now we have a handful)
queer x 1 (surely acceptable as an adjective?)
sex x 7 (vanilla version is profane?)
sexy x 2 (sexy too)
shirt-lifter x 1 (at least it's hyphenated. Homophobic, but forgivable as it's in dialogue)
shit x 11 (one short of the dozen)
shite x 1 (the Irish for above, to make up that dozen)
slut x 1 (so few?)
wanker x 1 (there's always one)
white trash x 2 (I'm still confused, is that profane?)

Right, Christmas approaches. So, in the spirit of the season, I offer:

The Baptist Profane Twelve Days of Christmas

(I'll just go to straight to the last verse)

Twelve days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve bastards bragging
Eleven shits a fan-hitting
Ten fucks a flying
Nine fucking expletives (cheated, there wasn't nine of anything)
Eight bloody bus stops
Seven sex in the opens
Six bitches barking
Five ... fags ... a ... puffing!
Four fighting fuckers
Three quiet cunts
Two dangly balls
And a slut arse-wanker penis blow-job bollocks.

(The leftovers are a spare queer sexy shirt-lifter shite white trash, sounds like one of my characters.)

Now, singalong everyone.

All in the name of literary art, my dears.


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Friday, 7 November 2014

Miss this at your Peril! 99c special offer #ASMSG

Peril - a Ger Mayes crime novel - is on special offer on Amazon right now. 99c / 77p via Free Kindle Books and Tips or here. 41 reviews with an average 4.3, if you like crime fiction and thrillers then this is a good read.

And at the moment The Baptist - a psychological thriller - is also on offer here.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

The Vow by Georgia Fallon #ASMSG #specialoffer

Marble City Publishing has The Vow by Georgia Fallon currently on offer at 99c / 99p. 80 reviews with an average rating of 4.3. If you enjoy romantic suspense then this is a great read for you.
On promotion at

The Vow by Georgia Fallon

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Ruby Reviews Frog Music by Emma Donoghue #ASMSG


“Woman’s Mania for Wearing Male Attire Ends in Death.”


A couple of years ago when I read Room by this author I was traumatised. It wasn’t a feel good book – claustrophobic but gripping. Misery lit fiction. So I was apprehensive when a colleague suggested Frog Music as my next read.

I needn’t have worried. The author’s own pre-release description of Frog Music was historical fiction based on the true story of a murdered 19th century cross-dressing frog catcher. Sufficiently far away from misery lit and weird enough to tickle my fancy, but Frog Music is much more than that teaser suggests.

1876 San Francisco is the setting – a society so different to the modern world that it completely transports the reader. The overwhelming impression is raw cosmopolitan, people flooding into a thriving city from the rest of the globe. The California gold rush is history but has left a legacy of wealth, instant gratification, disappointment and beggars. San Francisco swarms with new Americans, most notably French, Prussians and Chinese. Law and order’s grip on daily life is as tenuous as the stability of the wooden city buildings that shudder with each movement of the Earth’s crust and burn to the ground through accident or riot. Rampant smallpox adds a large dose of carpe diem to the behaviour of the residents. Donoghue paints all this perfectly.

Blanche Beunon is our narrator, a young French circus performer who has found a talent for entertainment of a more adult nature. She lives in comfort thanks to her earnings but shares a bohemian lifestyle with two male former acrobats that sinks frequently into depravity. Looking over Blanche’s shoulder, the reader is in a safer place than Room, but the plot has a train wreck trajectory from the first chapter.

This tragic story is delivered in third person, present tense but the timeline alternates either side of the blood-soaked first few pages in order to explain how things came to that fateful event and to lead to the eventual resolution of whodunnit. Once or twice I had to recap in order to be sure whereabouts the story had got to, but the delivery worked well overall.

There are very few wise people in Frog Music. With the exception of old Maria with her destroyed face, all the characters display different facets of naivety. Blanche is very worldly in her work environment and doesn’t lack confidence but she is naive in the belief that her acrobatic ménage of a lifestyle can continue once the complications of adult responsibilities ensue. The other characters are similarly in denial of their mortality and cavort with abandon in the face of disease, dishonesty and debauchery.

The catalyst to this crucible of San Francisco is Jenny Bonnet the cross-dressing frog catcher. A fascinating character, Jenny has a massive impact upon everyone in the book but (and no real spoiler here) she is killed off in the first four pages. She understands the rules of life and death better than anyone, but is no more able to avoid her own demise. Had she stayed alive throughout the book and then died towards the end it may have been unbearable. As it stands, the author breathes life into Jenny’s character and Frog Music is as much a eulogy to Jenny Bonnet as it is a journey of self-discovery for Blanche Beunon.

Witty, fast-paced and intricate, Frog Music leads the reader a merry dance. Sometimes I wanted to laugh, to cry and other times to take a long hot shower to cleanse the depraved filth of the Californian heat wave from my pores. Donoghue’s cast act in ways that delight, titillate and infuriate but their behaviour and attitudes are logical in the final scheme of things. The many skeletons in the cupboard eventually manifest themselves, the highest impact being caused by the smallest of them, P’tit. As different as this is to Room in so many ways, the hub of Donoghue’s FrogMusic is once again a small child.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Summer Reads Make Me Feel Fine #ASMSG #Giveaway

Blowing through the jasmine in my mind (as Seals & Crofts and the Isley Brothers put it).
Marble City Publishing has three new releases this summer and they’re offering a giveaway to celebrate. Register for their newsletter and you can choose any one of Marble's existing e-book titles for free!
Also, because Marble hate those ads that offer a great new deal to new subscribers but tough luck to existing customers, all existing newsletter followers can also get one of Marble’s titles for free. Just click through as if registering and then update your profile to choose your e-book.
And here, in brief, are those three new releases:

cover for The Sadness of Angels by Jim Williams

The Sadness of Angels is a new release from Booker-nominated Jim Williams. An epic science fiction fantasy, first part of an upcoming trilogy. Beautifully written, captivating and lyrical. Read more about The Sadness of Angels on Amazon.

cover for Twelve Curious Deaths in France

Twelve Curious Deaths in France is Marble City’s first release from Emmy-nominated screenwriter John Goldsmith. A novel length collection of outstanding stories. Do miracles really happen? Did Voltaire rise from the dead? Is our fate predestined? Are sex toys dangerous? The answers are to be found in this remarkable collection. Includes how-to advice on a number of topics: delivering practical jokes from beyond the grave; how best to murder an African despot; the secret of the world’s best rabbit stew. From fantastic to factual, contemporary to historical, a mix of comedy, drama, intrigue and suspense. Twelve Curious Deaths in France is available on Amazon.

cover for Edge of Passion anthology

Edge of Passion is Marble's 2014 anthology of crime, mystery, suspense and romance. Twenty-one stories from nineteen authors, including Emmy-nominated John Goldsmith and Booker-nominated Jim Williams.
This global collection from 400 to 7000 words covers everything from crime fiction to romantic suspense and historical mystery.
Authors: John Goldsmith, Jim Williams, Jeremy Hinchliff, John Holland, Gerry McCullough, Alexandar Altman, R.A. Barnes, Maura Barrett, Eileen Condon, Mary Healy, Susan Howe, Damon King, Mary Mitchell, Jeanne O’Dwyer, Michael Rumsey, Valerie Ryan, Dennis Thompson, Catherine Tynan and T. West.
Edge of Passion is available on Amazon.

This post is reblogged from Marble City Publishing